This is somewhat a continuation of my previous post about shamanic initiation. This time is want to focus on the process of a call itself. The article I quoted earlier about the role of a mental illness mentions hundreds of people being called onto the shamanic path. (http://themindunleashed.org/2014/08/shaman-sees-mental-hospital.html). The times we live in are very turbulent and I believe some sort of a magical war between “dark” and “light” (metaphors) is taking place inside of the human minds these days. The spirits/ the world of our higher divine selves is trying to reach a vast number of people. This is their/our attempt to invoke the great leap (http://kiamagic.com/2013/10/27/the-great-leap-is-coming-d/)
Unfortunately for all of us (and especially people who are still resisting the call) this is a very heavy and difficult path and very few of us will make it through to the top. In a way it’s like in the natural world of animals where thousands of young fish/insects/turtles etc. are born each year. As much as 90% of them never make it to the adulthood. It’s the same with the shamans/magicians whom the spirits choose to awaken.
Back in my darkest days- between 2001 and 2004 I often had a vision of crawling through a dark tunnel. There was no light, nothing to guide me except for a simple trial and error. One wrong step would have been enough to drop off. Just how I managed to survive it’s still a mystery to me. I promised myself though, back in the darkest of times, that if I shall ever succeed I will spend rest of my life trying to help others who are still trapped in there.
There is no ultimate victory in this- you can lose the track any time. Even now there is a risk if I make a wrong move it can all go to hell…
Anyway over the years I met hundreds of people (no exaggeration there) and among them I would say at least a third shows some signs of having a “call”. Group one- including my dear husband managed to resist it completely and pushed the paranormal experiences to the back of their head. He reacts with aggression to the very mentioning of the metaphysical. That’s because his fear is too great.
Another group ends up in a cycle of self- destruction including drug addiction and mental health issues. Group three are people who discovered their magical path but are still in the process of trial and error. And finally there is a group four- the true initiates and invisible agents. Tiny small percent of the population. I’m not sure how many of us are out there but we really, really need to stick together.
Social insecurities and complexes we might still show the signs of need to be overcome and eradicated, otherwise this will never work.
Death wish has always been my greatest weakness and I wonder if it will ever go away. It appeared in my psyche at the age of 9 when during my severe pneumonia I desired to die. During later years it kept coming back in many different forms.
First few I remember relate to the play with the spirit of the sea and the thunders storms.
Dana and I loved diving into the sea when the waves were big. The idea was to go to the bottom and hold onto the sand with our hands whilst holding our feet up. When the wave passed above us we could feel electric shocks going through our feet. It was fun and it was deadly dangerous. Once I got actually dragged out to the beach and rolled under water until I almost run out of air. I don’t know how on earth my mum was stupid enough to let us to this. I guess she grew up away from the sea and never heard of the undercurrent phenomenon…
One time we went out for a swim. The coast guards hung up the red flag which meant nobody was allowed in the water. So we simply went to a wild beach. Waves were truly fierce that day and fun of the swimming and diving was great. When we got back home mum told other people about what we did. They got raging at her. Apparently two boats have sunk the very same day… My mum was an ignorant but I KNEW. I knew very well what I was doing. I couldn’t have been more than 10 or 11 years old.
The other similar occurrence took place once when we were in the woods, swimming in a small wild lake. There was nobody around. The thunder storm arrived suddenly. Fork lightnings spread across the sky in all directions and we were still in the water. We swum to the middle of the lake and laid on our backs watching the sky. It was truly ecstatic and again I knew very well we were in the mortal danger. I would not recommend that sort of practice to anyone…
In later years my death wish circled around abuse of hard drugs. The most extreme was the Fool’s Day of 2011 when I fainted and cracked the back of my skull. It happened as a combination of tiredness plus mixture of large dose of ecstasy coming up. At the same time I smoked a joint and then my memory ends. Next thing I know was the crowd of people looking down at me and asking if I was alright. My husband says I first started throwing up, then fell down to my knees and then hit the ground with my head. When I woke up I was really high. Blood was dripping all over my back but I felt no pain whatsoever and refused to go to he hospital. I didn’t want to get in trouble for using illegal stuff. My husband was very worried but I convinced him somehow. He tested my short term memory and it was fine. So I went home, I washed off the blood and came back to the party (there was a rave starting outside of town at 4am). I’ve taken massive amounts of drugs and kept dancing and partying till almost midday. I suffered brain concussion for the following two weeks and doctors told me later I could have easily been dead if a internal brain haemorrhage occurred after the accident. Later that year I heard of a guy who died exactly that way after crushing his bike and hitting his head on the ground. My experience left me feel truly ecstatic, I always perceived it as a stroke of the Thor’s hammer.
The reason I’m telling you all about this is because on one hand I know I need to be careful if I want to survive. On the other hand though whenever these things happen to me people involved give into the risk somehow. I don’t know why. It’s as though their will temporary binds into mine and whatever madness comes over me they become part of it. Maybe this is unavoidable and I will be fine or maybe the death wish will eventually destroy me. It is really hard to tell.
This shaman- girl (the one who went to Columbia) took part in ayahuasca ceremonies. She said about 8 people die each year in Columbia as their heart bit and blood pressure go too high. In their circles this is seen as human’s will to abandon the physical world. She herself was close to that state. The spirits told her she had the right to go if she wished to do so but she chose to come back to continue her work. She was later told the group had to take her out of the tent and begun some first aid (not sure if it went as far as the CPR) as she fainted and the shamans sensed her spirit departing. This is a real heavy stuff guys!
Last yeart I read a book on the Tibetan magick. It mentions rituals where adepts visualise being devoured by the demons as a part of their initiation rights. If they fail to realise demons are part of their own minds they suffer real agony and sometimes they may die. One story was reported of a guy who attempted this initiation in the jungle whilst being tied to a tree. During the night a wild panther attacked him and torn him to shreds. This sort of thing would not be accepted in our western magical practices… which sort of makes me think that western magick is somewhat “half-assed” if you ask me…
Anyway- just to finish- if anyone has some ideas how to overcome death wish or how to work with it- this will be most welcome. In a meantime I wonder if anyone has anything else to add to the topic of a shamanic call.